Eight years ago I was spent. Physically exhausted, living on fumes and scared. Would I be safe if I couldn’t keep moving at neck breaking speed? Becoming a mother changed my life so completely that it’s hard to think of any other contribution as big except for my sobriety. I needed to help my non-verbal child get better. People applauded my selfless actions. “He’s so lucky to have you as his mom,” they said, and I loved it. I found myself divorced and alone.

Trauma has infected my original family and it is a big part of my story. However I have learned that just because it played a big role in my childhood it doesn’t have to be a major part of who I am today. The process of integrating our many selves is not easy but it is worth it. As children who have experienced traumatic events we rely on old survival skills like shoving the pain deep down.

When we are told that thinking about ourselves is bad, shameful, or selfish we rewire our brains to stop. If we are conditioned to put others first it becomes our default. For many of us it’s automatic to put others first. Even if you didn’t grow up with trauma, you probably received the message that in order to be a good person you must be selfless.

Many of us are familiar with the inner child concept but we might also consider the inner teenager within us. One of the ways I’m healing my trauma is to reparent myself in a loving way. I believe I have always been at war with my inner teenager. I believe that I bypassed the important developmental teen years and went from child to adult too quickly. Are you at war with your inner teenager?

How do you heal the wounds from childhood? You can practice identifying your thoughts and feelings. You can choose to refrain from continuing the critical parenting of yourself. You can replace the judgment about how you’ve blown it again with a compassionate acknowledgement of the pain. This is awkward at first but that will go away with practice.

Obsession about a love interest is not romantic. It’s dangerous and not good for either party. Real love is wanting the best for the person, even when it means letting them go. I know that this type of love may not be dramatic enough to sell movie tickets, but romantic comedies should come with a warning label. So many love songs seem to say “I’m nothing without you.”

Fever is our bodies way of fighting sickness, inflammation is natural but it hurts. This also applies to emotional pain. My world is full of lessons and different emotions and sometimes they will cause pain. Sometimes it is appropriate to feel bad. I know it’s not fun but unprocessed grief have kept me stuck.

I will admit it. I am completely ready to put a pin into this year but, not for the reasons you may think. I am very excited about the future. I am also completely terrified about the future. Thankfully I am more excited than terrified, for today at least. This past week I did an exercise with my dear friend for my coaching and speaking business.

For many of us this can be a time that is sad and frustrating. The world is on full tilt, making it difficult to relax for super turned up nervous systems like mine (do you relate?). Trauma may be triggered with the festivities. It’s okay to grieve. It’s okay when you remember a particularly difficult memory, in fact it’s helpful in healing.

It’s time to gift yourself. I’m sorry to be so cliché but its true. We all jump into this world with the belief system that if we somehow fit the mold, then we follow the footsteps and be happy. Go to school, get a job, get married and more. Never thinking do we even want this?

“I want happy “ is what my son typed on his augmentative and alternative communication (AAC) device to respond to my question, when I asked him what he wanted. Me too bud, me too. Have you ever met someone who doesn’t want to be happy?

Almost everyone on this planet has been told to be grateful. In fact, we have an entire holiday around this. Do you find it difficult to be grateful on tap? I know I do. So, I wanted to share some thoughts about when your gratitude isn’t flowing.

Do you always become super generous during this time? Even putting yourself into debt for Holiday gifts? Yep, that was me too. Often as codependents we have spent so much money on others and too much time finding the perfect gift.