I read a story in the magazine InStyle about an engagement ring from Machine Gun Kelly to Megan Fox. It reminded me of some of my past unhealthy relationships. Apparently the ring he gave her is designed to cause physical pain when removed. Not only will she be in pain if she removes it, but it supposedly signifies the great love the two have for each other. This feels like a sign of ownership to me. The InStyle article referred to a Vogue interview with Machine Gun Kelly where he states that “the ring is designed that way on purpose because after all, love is pain.” I have also heard that they drank each other’s blood at the engagement ceremony. In my opinion, these behaviors are not love, but speak to control and obsession.
photo by Frank Mckenna
One time I took my friend’s daughter to the first Twilight movie. The main male character tells his love interest that she is like “heroin” to him. When we left the movie my young 13-year-old companion told me that was “the most romantic scene ever.” My stomach dropped because I knew it was wrong. I tried my best to explain that being addicted to someone is not love, but I doubt I was able to get through to her.
Obsession about a love interest is not romantic. It’s dangerous and not good for either party. Real love is wanting the best for the person, even when it means letting them go. I know that this type of love may not be dramatic enough to sell movie tickets, but romantic comedies should come with a warning label. So many love songs seem to say “I’m nothing without you.” To me, real love is a partnership in which you feel safe and secure to go after your dreams. It is based on common interest and the ability to be best friends.
Years ago, before I understood the difference between love and obsession, I chased after people that played the game “come here, stay away” believing that was passion. The famous line “you complete me” from Jerry Macguire was the standard when it came to romantic love. I picked partners based on their need of me. Then was devastated when they felt better and moved on the next new person. The term for my behaviors is ‘codependency.’ I was addicted to other people’s approval. I turned myself into whatever I thought they wanted so they would never leave me. I now know that by trying to please others I was setting myself up for a lonely existence. When I pretend to be something that I am not my partners didn’t know who I really was. How could they possibly love me, the real me?
Deep inside I knew that they didn’t love the real me because they didn’t know the real me.
When we first fall in love with someone it is because of how they make us feel but that does not necessarily last. Eventually we must love someone for who they are and not what they do for us. When you reach this level of love with someone there is nothing better. The great love we are looking for with someone else is the love we have for ourselves. Your partner must want you to love you more than them in order to grow. It happened for me.
—Kristina Dennis, life coach