I think many codependents struggle with asking for and receiving help. I know I do. I was reminded of my resistance to asking and receiving help while listening to a fellow coach outline her transformation process. She shared some amazing insights. One thing in particular that got my attention was that if you habitually don’t complete tasks it’s because you may struggle with receiving the rewards. The inability to finish projects speaks to our fear of receiving the gifts that completing the project may bring.
photo by Sharon McCutcheon
The rewards we’re resisting could be accolades, money, attention, recognition, pleasure, a sense of purpose, or any number of things. If I look at my own discomfort with receiving I discover that there’s room for improvement. I’ve been uncomfortable with receiving because it’s brought feelings of fear, insecurity, and vulnerability, often mistakenly thinking I might be indebted to the giver. This interferes with my sense of independence (a trait I needed to feel safe and survive my abuse). My past trauma brought me to a place in my life where I believed that complete independence was the only way to be safe. Being independent is great and I’m glad I have it but it can be lonely.
This isn’t the first time I have considered the subject of practicing healthy giving and receiving. It has definitely come up in my over two decades of recovery work. I’ve dug deep into my past and saw that there were moments of pure joy when I gave to others. As long as I check my giving through my internal boundaries and find them to be honest my ability to give expands my capacity to love. Why am I uncomfortable with receiving? Why would others not want to give to me? Who am I to deprive them of their moments of giving joy? It’s an old belief system of unworthiness showing up.
Even though I‘ve done a lot of inner work on my own I realize that I can always go deeper. I’m astounded when people can unabashedly ask for help. The practice of asking helps us get more comfortable with receiving. I can still reach out to a dear friend and ask for help. It may seem like a small thing but it’s a big deal for me. I’m going to keep looking for places to receive, putting myself out there, and keep my focus on increasing my ability to receive.
—Kristina Dennis, life coach