Recovery is a lot of work. It can bring up feelings of resentment and anger. This feels like a metaphorical slap in the face when I realize just how much work. Ironically, when I feel the least like being in recovery is when I need it the most!

Sometimes I just want to be “normal” and not do the work that recovery requires. It’s not that I want to drink but I just don’t want to have to work so hard for my serenity. As someone who’s been on this road of recovery since 1997 I know that to truly recover I need to get real and honest. There have been times when I wasn’t that excited to move forward and felt like I needed a break from the hard emotional work of recovery, but I knew better than to lapse back into the false comfort of denial. I’m happy to share that recovery work is always worth it. Recovery is now my “normal.”

The work it takes to maintain my recovery can be exhausting, but I know that it’s an essential part of any recovery program. I think it’s important to speak about it. When we stop using substances and refrain from our acting out behaviors there are often large feelings that show up. There are also times when living in the present can be demanding. Recovery doesn’t mean that we don’t have to contend with challenges. But it does get easier. So how do I begin to move through these less than stellar times?

The often frustrating answer is to let go and accept it.

Here’s how I start moving toward acceptance:

I remind myself that the low energy and resistance to participating in growth is normal and it’s not permanent.
I take some time out and attend to my nervous system.
Have I had enough sleep?
Am I exercising?
Am I slipping into controlling behaviors?
Am I suffering from rigid thinking and believing that my desired outcome is the only one that will work?
I check in with myself and ask am I hiding my pain from everyone?

Often checking in with myself and trying to hide my pain adds the most to my distress. In attempting to hide my very human feelings I further victimize myself and create isolation. It can be exhausting. In the early years of my sobriety I would try to find a reason for my emotional pain that was outside of myself to alleviate my responsibility. I would further judge my experience with thoughts that it isn’t okay to feel bad. My resistance to admitting that I am not okay caused me even more pain.

When I finally get to a breaking point, I open up to a group where I feel safe. I share that I am not doing well and find out that I am not the only one who sometimes feels this way. Accepting the truth that difficult times are as vital as the good times is a hard pill to swallow but it is possible as long as I keep showing up. I admit that I want things to go my way and am struggling to get comfortable releasing the resistance. By observing other peoples’ experiences as well as my own I fully understand that this too shall pass. This is the work of recovery.

—Kristina Dennis, life coach