To be in recovery we must be willing to learn about our thoughts and beliefs so that we can identify potentially damaging patterns. For me, this process did not always include feeling my feelings. I would intellectualize my feelings and then approach the solution with the same perfectionism that kept me alive in my formative years. I am coming to the realization that this method does not always mean I am feeling my emotions. I spend an enormous amount of time trying to understand and define my emotions instead of feeling them. This work is well spent, powerful, and gives me a great set of skills to show up in relationships. It helps me understand codependency and addiction and the extreme cost of not addressing each of these.
photo by Denys Nevozhai
When I feel my emotions I am truly in recovery and I get to move on.
John Bradshaw, best selling author and father of the inner child movement wrote “What you feel you can heal.” His important work continues to help many explore their trauma and begin the healing process. For many of us this is deep work and very painful at times. It can feel like we are going backwards when the first wave of pain washes over us but if we don’t do the work it can kill us.
Here are some tips and tricks to help.
Do this work with someone else, a support group, a therapist, a coach.
Address your deregulated nervous system with self care and support.
Learn to take gentleness breaks throughout your day and while doing this work.
Be patient with the timing of memories. You don’t have to remember every detail to heal.
Set good boundaries in place with family and friends and especially for yourself.
Create a spiritual practice of prayer.
Become willing to explore your past and belief systems.
Celebrate the wins, no matter how small they may seem.
It’s never easy to examine our painful past but it is required to become a whole person. I can say without any doubt that learning how to identify and feel my emotions as they come up has given me a life that I could never have imagined. Feeling the emotions takes courage and honesty. It also takes an investment in yourself.
—Kristina Dennis, life coach