Many of us are familiar with the inner child concept but we might also consider the inner teenager within us. One of the ways I’m healing my trauma is to reparent myself in a loving way. I believe I have always been at war with my inner teenager. I believe that I bypassed the important developmental teen years and went from child to adult too quickly.  

Are you at war with your inner teenager?

When I was 13 my grandfather (who I thought at the time was my father) passed away. This was a devastating loss. It forced me to “grow up.” I hid my fear and pain to feel safe. I fell in love,  got a job, and struggled to go it alone. I didn’t learn how to face situations in a manner that would help me process disappointment and build healthy relationships (including the one with myself). This caused long term trauma that was stored in my body and nervous system. My reactions were steeped in anger, resentment, and fury. I was stuck in a story that would tell me “no one is here for you.” I would retreat into silence, storing all of the hurt feelings deep down. Those toxic feelings would have killed me if I hadn’t gotten sober.  

When I got sober I learned acceptance for all the parts of me. Today, I heal by accepting that not only do I have an inner critical parent and inner child but I also have a rebellious, angry inner teenager. I know I can’t change the past but I can understand why I made the choices I did. I forgive myself for stuffing the pain deeply. Identifying the inner teenager opened me up to available support systems. I love the concept of refraining from criticizing my silly and snotty thoughts with acceptance and love. Do I do it every time? Not yet, but I am closer. I think about what I would say to my angsty, pissed off teen. I ask for help.

I say to her “I see you” and “you are still worthy of love and compassion even when you are moody or dramatic.” I have learned that becoming willing to face the less than lovely parts of myself will start the process of healing. I see the proof of how this works every day. It can work for you as well. So the next time you start to insult yourself, stop and ask your inner teenager “what can I do for you?”

—Kristina Dennis, life coach