Do you always become super generous during this time? Even putting yourself into debt for Holiday gifts? Yep, that was me too.

Often as codependents we have spent so much money on others and too much time finding the perfect gift. If you have made a habit of over-buying, changing that will be difficult but it is necessary for your freedom. This year I want you to take some time ahead of December to write out your gift buying list.

Ask yourself the following questions to determine whether codependency is playing a large part in your gift giving:

1. Are you giving this gift to help someone realize their potential? Examples are gym memberships, or clothing you would like them to wear, or perhaps you have ever been given a cleaning product or vacuum from someone you know was sending a message to you to clean your house.

2. Are you giving this so that you will be known as the most generous and perfect gift giver? Check your past to see if you have been angry about the lack of response from those who received gifts.

3. Ever spent so much money that your bank called? If you are out there spending in a frenzied manner perhaps this is an escape for you. Are you avoiding life’s circumstances of the here and now by obsessing about gift buying?

4. Are you solving someone else’s problem? Have you ever bought someone a book to help them with their problems? Let’s be honest, a book on forgiveness is not a gift. 

5. Are you giving this gift to evoke a response from someone that is different than your usual relationship communication. In other words, are you giving this gift to get them to like you?

6. Are you giving this gift out of obligation and to check them off the list, when you don’t have the funds to do this?  

Here are some tips on how to roll back from playing Santa Clause’s helper:

• Plan a budget that works for you and your paycheck.

• Assign a budget to each person’s gift. Stick to it, even if you find the perfect gift and it’s two times your budget.

• Suggest a shared experience versus gift exchange. Plan to go dinner at a great restaurant rather than buying gifts.

Having  boundaries with your money and gift giving are difficult at first but it’s important to take stock in all the motivations of gift giving. When I first started in recovery I was told my first year that I was to refrain from buying for others, no more picking up the check. The problem I had with excessive gift giving was when I gave to excess I never knew if they really liked me or what I could do for them. 

I had to have difficult conversations with people about why I had gifted over the top gifts. In most cases people were quick to remind me that it was the relationship that they valued not my gifts. Now I know better.

—Kristina Dennis, life coach