Recently, I was a speaker for a wonderful group of recovering addicts. We were talking and sharing about our struggles with codependency. I shared about myself and my work with codependency. Immediately following the discussion I felt vulnerable, that I had rambled, and could have spoken more succinctly. Good old perfectionism crept up as it still does from time to time. Luckily, as is often the case these days, it didn’t last very long and even in the middle of it I knew I was okay. My sweet little heart just wants to be loved. The experience made me reflect on the goal of my own recovery and of the people I help.

Sometimes I hear people judging their negative self talk and it breaks my heart. I don’t know if it’s even possible to let go of all self criticism. Even after over twenty-five years into my own recovery the negative thoughts still pop up. I‘ve learned that being too rigid with myself does not help at all. Questions like “Why do I keep doing this to myself?” can delay much needed self acceptance. I now have a goal of being more flexible with all my thoughts rather than eliminating the negative ones. This looks like me catching my negative thoughts and instead of shaming them or judging them as bad, I tell myself something like ”Oh, sweetie, you are the cutest thing trying to be perfect,” and sometimes I even give my hand a little kiss. Maybe that’s weird but it works for me. In Alcoholics Anonymous they call this a “contrary action.” In this case it means that even though I want to be mean and judge myself for having a negative thought, I instead stop and love myself with a kiss on my hand.

Acceptance plays a big part in recovering from codependency.

Codependent behavior needs to be addressed, but rigidity can definitely slow the healing. Beating yourself up for your learned behavioral patterns (including slipping into negative thoughts) will not work in the long run. Recovery starts with practicing self love, setting boundaries, and increasing awareness. It takes time and requires help. It takes openness and courage. If you’ve identified that codependency is present in your relationships, congratulations! That’s a win. I want you to celebrate it.

—Kristina Dennis, life coach