While interviewing my guest speaker and self-kindness coach Pete Sibley on Clubhouse recently, I posed a question to the room. “How can I show myself kindness?” His reaction was “Ew, gross!” His honesty was refreshing and a reminder that men are also harmed by the patriarchy. Pete went on to share his technique for self-kindness. He visualizes how children sit next to each other when one is hurt. The visual opened my heart immediately.

It lead me to think about myself as a little girl. I never told parents when I was hurt because it would be met with their frustration and neglect. The response “what did you do now?” in an exasperated voice was one of the least angry responses that I would receive. Getting hurt would always end up being my fault and I felt like a nuisance and trouble maker. I would hide it all from my caregivers. The memory tugs at my heart for my sweet little inner child girl. I want to give her all the encouragement so she feels cared for and told it was all going to be okay. 

This dynamic created a deficit in my serenity and security. As an adult, I would repeat the pattern by choosing partners who treated me the same way. They would become annoyed when I needed more, even resentful. After all they too were children in adult bodies trying to get their own deficit remedied. When I was able to identify these broken belief systems and start holding myself responsible for healing this past wounding, I stopped being victimized. When I became an adult I learned to avoid entering into what I call “an invisible contract” with people. This contract would go something like: “I will give you everything and in return you will do the same.” Many suitors and friends were not up for that type of contract. They were struggling with their own self love but still expecting me to continue making them feel better. Zero-zero was the score at the end of that game. Nobody wins.  

So how do you heal the wounds from childhood? Good news is you can start small today. You can practice identifying your thoughts and feelings. You can choose to refrain from continuing the critical parenting of yourself. When you skin your knee both physically and emotionally you can acknowledge that you are in pain. You can replace the judgment about how you’ve blown it again with a compassionate acknowledgement of the pain. A simple “oh, you’re hurt, I’m sorry.” This is awkward at first but that will go away with practice. 

—Kristina Dennis, life coach