Do you have an inner critic (sometimes referred to as an inner critical parent)? Most of us do. In fact, I‘ve never met an adult who didn’t have those noisy negative voices — especially when attempting something new. I‘ve heard many people admonish their inner critical parent with the correct intention of soothing themselves. We go to war with ourselves in attempt to overcome and silence the voices. I think this is very difficult for us to do and perhaps even unrealistic. I think the goal is acceptance of the inner critical parent.

After all, the inner critical parent is a part of who we are. That part of us that wants to warn us to not make mistakes and get voted off the island. These voices serve a good purpose. I’ve seen people berate themselves for how they speak to themselves which, of course, is also negative self talk. I want you to consider a different approach.

I propose acceptance and making peace with all of you. 

We must forgive ourselves for having an inner critical parent. Recognize that it served a purpose for a long time. Either chiding us to not get emotional when people left or scaring us into performing better and keep us focused on our lives. We get into trouble when we let the inner critical parent run the show but that doesn’t mean we’ve failed at becoming more positive and well adjusted people. It just means that we haven’t become acquainted with that part of us well enough.

Try these steps:

1. Become aware of when the critical parent shows up.

2. Notice your nervous system and tend to your needs.

3. Listen without judgement to the message underneath the negativity. 

4. Become curious about events that are similar to the situation.

5. Is there unfinished business or outdated belief systems at play?

Failing to recognize and process the inner critical patent may bring more signs that maybe be even bigger and more troubling. Sometimes it helps to give a persona and name to the inner critical parent. I imagine mine to be a fussy, elderly woman who went through a lot in her life and needs to be heard. This allows me to have compassion with my inner critical parent. A universal truth is that we can’t fight darkness with more darkness. We must use light to overcome darkness. The quicker I can get to laughter about the sharp remarks that my brain wants me to hear, the sooner I can get to a peaceful state with all of me and the sooner I can ask the inner loving parent to take over. 

All of us have negative bias. Our brains are designed to process negative danger signs much faster than positive signs, so the next time you feel the urge to judge yourself harshly for having an inner critical parent, I want you to stop and play the whole story out and remind yourself that that was then and this is now. Thank the inner critic for chiming in and for keeping you safe. Then declare to yourself that you are the mama now, and you will keep this baby girl alive.

—Kristina Dennis, life coach